No one wants to be in the same room as their ex when things have been abusive/toxic. When other people add judgement to an already hurting reality, it only makes it worse. Well, long story short, my family knew about the abusive. During my divorce, we attended a seminar coping with divorce that explained from the point of view from the children. Hes not interested in me because of his new life, and I dont really talk to him anymore. But that shows division and gives the ex and Mom the extra boost to their plans to break you two up, since the strategy seems to be working. Why would you have important family gatherings, and isolate your own sister or brother? You could use this time wisely to explore your past, what went wrong in this relationship etc so you can begin to look ahead. poor communication and not meeting my needs, for starters. I dont get to know and spend time with them- thats YOUR fault. Oh where to start, he was always in contact with an ex girlfriend, would never talk to me, blamed me for everything that possibly went wrong, drank every day and when he did he was the life of the party as long as others were around but the minute it was just me he became a violent, mean drunk. I have had to cut my family off. At this point, I cant wait to get married and move away; he can have the kids. I always just wanted peace but they all want to control me . When a person is called brother-in-law, (sister in law, mother-in-law,) what that means is, he is a brother BY law. Often the person leaving has been putting in the most effort and done everything they can to save the relationship before they throw in the towel. Dont be surprised! This was also because I met someone new and things are going well with my new girlfriend. Im finally divorced, but lost my eldest son through death due to drugs. He systematically does all the right things 4. My attempts to be mistral and teach out are ignored. We both always believed we were meant to be together and he has told me this many times, but the way he treats me blows my mind. IF more people could do joint child rearing, kids would be so much more better off. I am lucky because my grownup children love me a lot and we are very close. Destroy what could have been a possible growth and learning experience. But unfortunately, as long as the kids are around, then your ex-husband and his girlfriend will continue to come around and spend time with your extended family. Im so glad you posted this because Im going through this right now with my family. Thank you so much for this and for me not feeling alone! I am sure you love them as I did mine and because you would never make them feel bad or not be there for them you presume they will do the same but not everybody has the same heart or courage as you or your best interests in mind. Irony, my family finally tried coming back around too many years later with me. His mom likes his ex. By SuziePal Updated: July 30, 2021Categories: Children's and Parenting Issues after Divorce, Coping with Divorce, Inspirational Stories and Advice. I have good friends. They never showed much interest in my brother or his children and after I ended contact they quickly lost what little interest they had. Soooo a person stays in an abusive relationship however long. The lightbulb finally came on that my husband was emotionally abusive, financially abusive and beginning to get physically abusive. What Should I Do? },{ When it was time to divorce, which was oh so necessary, one of my aunts and one of my sisters listened to him bad mouth me. It sounds like to me that she needs to have a hart to hart with her family and express her thoughts and feelings on this and work on a compromise with with her ex and her family. I call you cowardly, weak, and shameful because your actions and emotional maturity is like that of a toddler. She wanted the divorce. But,they will wish them good holidays,fawn over posts , give him the grand parent title,etc.While they ignore my husband completely and his adult children rub it in.They ignore me too (they were divorced for over 10 yrs when we married) because I dont give them much choice.We have ours at home.I stay away from them.Its hard on my husband,unfortunately. I sit in the bathroom sometimes for hours and need to vent or Im going to end up in a bad place. Not true she medically neglected me and beat me for taking my inhaler amongst other things. You get educated and you help to awaken others to abuse and help them to heal and move on too through threads like this. It just seems wrong. I would actually suggest its a mothers love thats not sincere for her own child if she cant support her own flesh and blood. But if constantly brings up old memories of him and his ex, thats a very bad sign. More important then you, or your x. I cannot stand my ex sometimes but, at nearly all family functions, he is there. And not just my mother but my aunt, grandmother, and my brother. Infidelity on both sides were symptoms but there was so much more involved that caused our marriage to end. Im afraid I dont really have much advice for you but I do think its a lot for you to go through and if youve been handling it up to now the way you have Good for you. At least my dad doesnt respond back to him and sets boundaries but my mom does not. Although its been hard on my own, I made the right choice to have him out of my life. when we first broke up, after a 10 year relationship my sister was there for him, I didnt mind as he does not speak to his family (they are all horrible people). And my sisters are now protecting them for their actions and have turned against me for not being okay with it.. they wouldnt like it if it happened to them. Well , my ex was not around so much because he was living a double life. It makes me cry too, as a 40yr old grown ass dad man. Even after marriage he refused to have a joint account and denied me access to money. But that family is now also his extended family. Im focusing on my own life and will soon be transferring to a four-year university to obtain my baccalaureate in journalism. My mother and all the family still stayed close to her. But its good to know that men often dont do this on purpose. Be honest w ur family ur kids and urself Just tell them the truth that you are not comfortable around him and must set a new limit for ur own sanity. He might be afraid to commit. I do feel we have an innate need to be backed up by our biological family but I agree that the needs of the children are paramount. Is he around then. When I would express how this was affecting our children and myself. He told me when I left he would get even and that I would be all alone. Hes a great dad and a great person. Cut them all out of your life you dont need to be putting up with that crap xoxo. My mother was never very affectionate or loving towards me and my ex was very strategic and manipulative, so they made a formidable couple. They share custody but he has physical custody. Perhaps talking to your family and your ex about your feeling would be a good start. And have kid. She even has them out once or twice a summer for a barbecue and boat ride (they live on the lake). He says that I am "nuts" and just need to get over it. So, I get you! But your family should understand that unfortunately severing ties with your Ex comes with the territory of divorce. They all acted like the divorce never happened. This is beyond cordial. Not sure not hearing his side of this. She said yes but it wasnt a done deal yet. I know it may be hard but your children will appreciate it later in life. My issue is that I got divorced, and my 14 year old child took it badly. We had no children. Hes a very nice person so I understand that they still cared for him but there are unfortunately times you have to end up choosing a side. I couldnt agree with you more! The movie clueless had a great quote about this related to step children, when one of the characters complains to her father about his spending time with an ex-step-brother, the father respond by saying, we divorce children not spouses or at least that my memory of where the quote comes from. The two dads are killing it, wonderful for that little girl). Calling it awkward is an understatement. When I separated from my husband I lost his family, who Id always adored and mine too. I feel for her . Im going through the same thing and its extremely painful. 2017-But my mother and sister again met with my daughter and her mother over the past winter. It aint easy, and likely complex, but if you let your family know how things are affecting you, I feel like they would want to help you, and thats where I see the selfishness from them. It would be more worrying if he would instantly forget about her. When his male friend from work calls, your boyfriend has no problem taking the call in front of you. So, while she was destroying me financially, she was sinking her hooks into my ex and now that hes got this money, shes circling my ex like a buzzard extorting his money and her adult kids are in on it too. They were with each other for 5 years. The family was made with you likely making a pledge before God and family that the relationship would be till death dopart. My ex is still around, and is getting remarried soon, so his fianc is also around, its so bizarre and ridiculous and I can only feel sorry for his new wife to be..who in their right mind wants to be hanging out with your husbands exs family? Staying overly connected to ex-inlaws is about control and a lack of closure. It will however become awkward when you meet someone and bring them around too. Dont be selfish. But Im remarried to a man who loves and stands beside me. They basically helped him bankrupt me and my two teenage children! After fighting a serious life threatening medical condition. Sadly, but comforting, I have found out that my daughter is not alone in this situation. I even told my mom how abusive he was to me. All I could say was,.You and your kids do not understand divorce nor have you supported me through any of it. Its tough when your own family supports an person who financially and emotionally hurt me with no reason as to why this all happened. If she doesnt, you know that she doesnt have your back 100%. Have you told your family that even though you get along with your ex he is no longer a part of your family. Ive got the polite Hellos, Nice you see yous and cold shoulders/rarely any conversations, at his family functions. Family should be the first group emotionally support in that. They think its OK to have my ex in their lives because its work related but I know what my ex is like and he said that Im jealous of him being a father figure to my neice. Start having parties, barbecues and holidays at your house. My older sister was smart and moved to another state to escape their long lived abuse . Looks like you have a good excuse to blame everything on her. Its insane. If the ex-wife has a problem with that, she can stay home herself. I have seen this one other time bet there was infidelity involved and the family blamed the breakup on their family members infidelity and stayed very close to the offended partner. Im ready to move away and write off my whole family. He cheated. My ex SIL is not a horrible person, but I feel we should support my brother and give him a break from having to endure holidays with her. Its almost the exact same life as me. they need to understand this, when someone divorces the family is divorced also. You dont need to hate him or say you hate him if he hasnt behaved badly but you do need to think of your daughters feelings as she should be your primary concern. We don t talk to each other any moreand they wont let me see my nieces..I am beyond speechless and hurt,,,, If I can just see my nieces my brother and sister in law are not existing for me anymore what a betrayal She must be devastated, and rightfully so. My bf said that if he had the chance he would hangout with his exs family because they were there for him during a rough time and he respects them for that. I think if he had been so great they would still be married. His personality seems to be more like Aspergers. I packed up and moved to another state once my kids went off to college. They have parties not including us or my daughter but invite both our exes, had Christmas last year, our first ever apart, with my ex! Apparently his ex had family issues so she clung to his. After all they will receive home through your eyes. I am so sorry. You cant face people to do what you want them to do, but this behaviour could cause a major rift in your family leading to toxic feelings of resentment and eventually end up in YOU cutting ties with your family in order to protect yourself. Also, Im bothered that they rather build a relationship with him instead of my husband. My boyfriend Tom dated Nina for 3 years (They broke up in 2017). The consensus of opinion here would suggest that this is the majority opinion. Im going through something similar. Especially when my mom and sister know the hell I endured during my very dysfunctional marriage! 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